Hey Killer,


so let me apologize. not only for this weeks drunken snafu, but for everything...for the text messages, the longing, the stalking, and ultimately-the worst part-not throwing you a quickie for yer troubles...

I want you and it is scary because I can't have you. And it is scary because I want you and I just bought a house with my boyfriend. It is scary that I even want you at all, because my feelings for you are reckless and irresponsible...Choosing to leave something stable and adult for something passionate and ephemeral is what I have always done, and I feel like I should be past that...I have been having panic attacks about this house...I feel like I am supposed to want it, and I don't. Up until now I haven't owned anything I couldn't fit in my backpack...now I have this house and a life to go with it...I am trying so hard to live a conventional, responsible, life...to put down roots and act like an adult and it is like trying to put the ocean in a pint glass...I don't know why I am telling you this...you are probably sick of me, and sick of watching me chase my tail.

you know for as much as you think I am full of shit...you have no idea what effect you have on my sad little brain...in the months between when I last saw you and when Ms B and I ran into you, my head was pretty tranquil(as much as I can be)and my relationship good(not passionate,but comfortable)..since we ran into you, I just can't stop obsessing, and I have pulled away from Mr Gita...he doesn't excite me...he is stable,which I am trying to convince myself is a good thing, but you make me high.

I think his push for the house was a way to reign me back in.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.Even if I never see you again it doesn't change the fact I am REALLY unsure about this relationship and really unsure about this move.What do I do? Am I just a big fat commitment phob?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe our failed experiment is supposed to teach me some sort of lesson...either that right or wrong I have to be honest with myself or the opposite, that I need to be less passionate and more rational...

I don't know if it is a symptom of age or insecurity, but usually I just leave at the first sign of distress...I just don't know anything.except that i want your mouth and I cant have you.

sorry...I just young,crazy,and not to swift in the relationship department...-MG__________________________________________________

Humans out of respect for other humans answer their phones and are forthright about things.

Tell me you don't want to hang out tell me to go fuck myself but have enough respect for me to do more than ignore me.

Its a simple equation : human kindness+common courtesy=respect.

whatever.

I can't figure out where you are broken, but you hurt my feelings and that sucks.

a beer and some banter shouldn't feel like a little war.

Hey Killer,

so I am assuming that you are alive...in the state that you left in last night, its any body's guess...

I was so jealous...watching you drink and move in closer on Blondie...I like to think that you treat me differently,view me differently than other chicks, but watching you last night I had the startling epiphany that you are a man and I am a woman and that there is nothing remarkable about that...

That said, I still cling to some idealistic feelings and beliefs...when you kissed me goodbye I just wanted to melt into you,like underneath your slimy, embellishing,redneck attributes there was a decent, even sweet person that I wanted to be close to...then the shots I took to calm down wore off and I came back to the real world where you are evil and I am too good for you (:...Thank God!!!

I'll run into you this week.

I am realizing more and more my limitations...you see, I was born in California and what that seems to translate into meaning is that i have higher standards than most of those born outside the golden state, and higher than all those born south of the mason dixon...man, this place is a brain drain. i think my whole memphrican experience can be summed up in this little anecdote...
So I go to Fuckface's work xmas party and I figure early on he had invited me out of some sort of guilt or whatever neuronic misfiring hadoccurred in the moments before he called me.Anyways, I am left alone and this black guy, full set of gold teeth,bad afro, drunk, approaches meto dance...which would have been bad enuf, butt he motherfucker has half a rack of ribs in hishand that he simutanously swinging to the beat and gnawing on,bbq sauce all over his face...at a certain point in all of this he has me pinned against the bar with the rack of ribs over his head...a guy in a pantera tshirt intervenes,and so MG goes on to live another day...man.I am so out of here.

>se parli italiano, vai giu...
>
>Hey Folks,
>
> well, I am sitting down to buy my ticket for Memphis...some of you I have already told and was met with protest to say the least...most of which I found pretty offensive...but speak now or forever hold yer peace.
>
>California isn't the center of the world even if it feels like it from both the inside and out...okay, so we have it all, mexican food, coastlines,activist communities, mountains and deserts...idyllwild...a million reasons to stay and not many to go-but that alone is motivation. I am curious. I wanna be challenged. I want to have my belief system challenged, I wanna get a little fight in me...this time in Modesto coupled with my involvement with the deomcratic party has sucked out my fire and my drive...I can't even think clearly anymore...
>
>And no, it it isn't the most responsible descision. I could stay here, save up some more cash and move to LA and find a job in the movement, walk into a community of people excited about the same things I am...but I don't know if I am ready. I have been going back and forth about LA for more than a year. I am scared to move to a big bad city, and aggressively start pursuing a career where the only person I know is my ex who I am still a bit tortured about if the truth be told...it would already be difficult, but the emotional baggage would make it that much harder...am I running?maybe.
>
>It makes me angry that people think I am moving cross country for that boy...I threw a fit when John wanted me to move to LA for christsake-and we were together...I decided to skip Portland becuz I was going there only becuz a certain shaggy headed someone was there...The Memphibian is a cool guy-but it ends there.I mean I think it is offensive that ya'll would think I would move for a guy that I knew wasnt interested...give me some credit-I am impulsive but I am not stupid.
>
>Why Memphis? It is different, seems laid back. You got music, BBQ, good people. People seem to just be people, telling stories, no gimmics.Pecan pie...different culture, relationships between people...roles between men and women are more fixed-there isn't the "third sex" like we have here.Cost of living is low and I could work and save up cash-or I could find a career and live out the rest of my days-but the cost of living allows me the choice.
>
>This move may seem impulsive-but I have thought about it.so there...

Mistress Gita
>
>Ciao tutti,
>
> come state voi? spero che tutto vada bene. non so se avete capito qualcosa del mio messaggio in inglese, ma piu o meno ho spiagato perche parto per Memphis. Noi californiani , siamo un po' snob, cosi ho dovuto spiagare. Una Californiana che va a memphis e come Una Fiorentina che va a Crotone. Ma, va boh. Parto fra una settimana per Memphis, la citta di Elvis, Blues, BBQ...
>
>Qui, A casa mia, con i miei-sto male. lavoro per il partito democratico, e i politici mi stanno sul cazzo-ti giuro.e non posso esser independente a casa con i miei. sono stata via da casa per 6 anni...ho un amico a memphis e mi ha detto di transfermi li, perche lui puo aiutarmi, almeno al'inizio. cosi. parto.
>
>spero di tornare in Italia in primavera-pero non so...no so niente ora...scrivatemi, datemi speranza!!!-MG

okay can we just talk about how grumpy Mistress Gita is
>today...MG is so grumpy she is referring to
>herself in the third person...that is REALLY FUCKING
>GRUMPY...So I woke this morning and found that my ex
>(Enzo) had come to Florence as I have been ignoring
>his calls...I have been working these last couple days
>as a delivery girl and lost my delivery list...Enzo's
>in florence, I am a lost little delivery
>girl...Grumpy. Plus, I re-read the last email I got
>from John...REALLY FUCKING GRUMPY...so in the middle
>of all this I decided to take it out on Giovanni,
>becuase, well, because I could...he starts blowing up
>my cell (and yes,I did use the term 'blowing up') and
>I hang up on him. Fuck'um don't need'um.
> at this point in the story I decide to go to Paris.
>If I make it, I will leave tomorrow night...but there
>are some CD's I want to buy...its sort of either
>or...and I have been to Paris like 8 times but I don't
>own Kid A...you see my dilemma...
> You know, I have never blamed men for the problems
>between men and women...cuz women are nutz and we are
>to blame as well...but that is all changing rather
>rapidly...I have gone out with almost every type of
>guy atleast once, not to mention representatives from
>most latin american countries...in the end,I am ALWAYS
>disappointed...I could blame myself...but that just
>isn't gonna happen...on to the next...
> my solution to all this...sundried tomatoes and
>chianti, fresh baked bread,Milan Kundera...or maybe I
>will go get ripped on sub-standard mojitos,and end up
>waking up next to giovanni,or my liver, or giovanni
>cuddling up next to my liver. God I am a sick fuck.

Hey Killer,

Me again,shouting out into the empty...

so I had a dream that I broke into your house because I wanted to see what was inside...I am sure there is some psychology wrapped up in that but whatever...

it was super detailed...some of the furniture was pretty nice, and some was super shoddy. you had a sign on the TV to let whoever know how to use the TV...which made me think that you had frequent overnight guests...but what was strange is that I had this moment of clarity where I realized I was in your house and that you could come home at any moment and I didn't have permission to be there.

when I walked out the front door I realized I had no way home and your home was mostly surrounded by water...like you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...

so yeah, I am crazy
Mistress Gita

Hey Killer,

So,what have you been up to these days...besides ignoring my calls? I called you last night in a state of panic while burning the midnight oil...

See, as it so happens, Mr. Gita came home and surprised me with a bunch of paperwork-which was for the house he is trying to BUY us...House=commitment=future=FEAR!!!! So I called you, the greener grass.

To me you symbolize lush boundless rolling fields of green that I watch from my designated corner of the desert...not to say that the desert doesn't have a beauty all its own...but sometimes I want to escape and find an oasis...and I am officially talking solely in metaphors, and that is annoying...

changing the subject...do you think political science is an actual science or an enterprise?

and you should really read the tragedy of great power politics by john mearshiemer...

after I get through this initial period of too much work,stress, fear and delirium I will track you down-but would it kill you to call?

Mistress Gita

In every restaurant there is a little civil war...back of the house vs front of the house...in fine dining restaurants its an ego thing-the highly skilled and trained kitchen against the unskilled or marginally skilled waitstaff or as they are viewed-pack mules. In your bars and pub grills, the division is racial and/or socioeconomic.

more than just a little civil war here in the south...

I am a bartender...which in the front of the house is the top of the food chain...we make the most money and are management by proxy...and I love the back of the house...we cut up and drink together...some of the other bartenders actually believe one of the barbacks is retarded...yeah,so retarded he always makes jokes and puts'm over on me...

servers are jack asses.

also right now I am having many Katrina refugees at my bar...they tell stories,drink,laugh,cry...some strong folks

So it finally happened to the pilgrim...she gave up her wandering ways and rockstar lifestyle for the chance at a future...you know, I have never understood why people say that " I am working towards my future"...while sitting down your future is ever incroaching...why work for it? save that energy folks...anyways, so yeah...back to school...

funny thing though...I am a bartender, so when I walked into class I already knew like six people...now I am in the computer lab, I spot a few more familar faces..

last night was my last night of freedom...I drank absinth and ate too much food with my friend who has been visiting the volunteer state from the other side of the pond...

oh and I am still not getting laid...

Mr. Gita threatened to end our union this morning...I told him I might schedule a tear in between school, work, and meaningless sex...needless to say we aren't speaking