It is the middle of the day and I imagine you are deep into the day...beer in hand, eyes fixed on the computer-glazed.
When we first got together I had friends, I was
independent, I was happy...the longer we stayed
together, the more isolated I became...I realized
since I moved out, that I began to live your life, and
I am not you, I need more in my life. I also
realized,with sadness,how disconnected you are-from
your feelings, etc...
booze and drugs are your fortress, and you are
barricaded inside.
blow makes you the center of the world, and booze
makes you numb-there is no way that you can love and
feel and be a part of a relationship with your
lifestyle...
I kept the appartment as a way to maintain a lifeline
to the outside world. You asked me to come home and be
a family. But you were never family to me.
You were cold. You were numb.
I was a burden on your time and your finances. You lost your attraction to me...you stopped looking at me, touching me....
I was your family
I loved you without judgement.
you judged me.you made excuses-I never was enough or did enough...you weren't even there.
I never asked you to quit being a rockstar...just to cut down so we could have a normal life.I watched the person I loved die each day...the drugs made you distant and the lack of sleep-short fused. I tried to make sense of it, smile through it-but it hurt and I became angry and I lashed out. For that, I am sorry.
When we were downtown even the party was still a party-now it has become an illness and ultimately led to our demise.Isolation and addiction make uncomfortable bed fellows.
There is no place for me anymore...you have you work and your booze, and long nights in front of the computer. The person who I have loved has not only thrown me away, our family but himself as well.
Mike is Sober. Trey is trying to slow down and save his marriage...you,the consumate bachlor,are still on a mission with nothing to save, throwing yourself into the fire.
but you are no longer living to the fullest... you are turning 40,you have pushed me away,you have chosen to live without life.
Do you think you love someone else more? That they will build a life with you and be able to watch you, who they care for, break down the life they are trying to build? Do you just want to go it alone?
why do you put up walls? what are you scared of? Losing someone who you love? you lose touch with loved ones everytime you crawl into yourself and lock the door..
You know where to find me-
posted by Mata Hari @ 12:47 PM
1 comments
