Hey Killer,


so let me apologize. not only for this weeks drunken snafu, but for everything...for the text messages, the longing, the stalking, and ultimately-the worst part-not throwing you a quickie for yer troubles...

I want you and it is scary because I can't have you. And it is scary because I want you and I just bought a house with my boyfriend. It is scary that I even want you at all, because my feelings for you are reckless and irresponsible...Choosing to leave something stable and adult for something passionate and ephemeral is what I have always done, and I feel like I should be past that...I have been having panic attacks about this house...I feel like I am supposed to want it, and I don't. Up until now I haven't owned anything I couldn't fit in my backpack...now I have this house and a life to go with it...I am trying so hard to live a conventional, responsible, life...to put down roots and act like an adult and it is like trying to put the ocean in a pint glass...I don't know why I am telling you this...you are probably sick of me, and sick of watching me chase my tail.

you know for as much as you think I am full of shit...you have no idea what effect you have on my sad little brain...in the months between when I last saw you and when Ms B and I ran into you, my head was pretty tranquil(as much as I can be)and my relationship good(not passionate,but comfortable)..since we ran into you, I just can't stop obsessing, and I have pulled away from Mr Gita...he doesn't excite me...he is stable,which I am trying to convince myself is a good thing, but you make me high.

I think his push for the house was a way to reign me back in.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.Even if I never see you again it doesn't change the fact I am REALLY unsure about this relationship and really unsure about this move.What do I do? Am I just a big fat commitment phob?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe our failed experiment is supposed to teach me some sort of lesson...either that right or wrong I have to be honest with myself or the opposite, that I need to be less passionate and more rational...

I don't know if it is a symptom of age or insecurity, but usually I just leave at the first sign of distress...I just don't know anything.except that i want your mouth and I cant have you.

sorry...I just young,crazy,and not to swift in the relationship department...-MG__________________________________________________