Little Green Faeries

Like someone pissing in your stream of consciousness

Friday, September 23, 2005

Hey Killer,


so let me apologize. not only for this weeks drunken snafu, but for everything...for the text messages, the longing, the stalking, and ultimately-the worst part-not throwing you a quickie for yer troubles...

I want you and it is scary because I can't have you. And it is scary because I want you and I just bought a house with my boyfriend. It is scary that I even want you at all, because my feelings for you are reckless and irresponsible...Choosing to leave something stable and adult for something passionate and ephemeral is what I have always done, and I feel like I should be past that...I have been having panic attacks about this house...I feel like I am supposed to want it, and I don't. Up until now I haven't owned anything I couldn't fit in my backpack...now I have this house and a life to go with it...I am trying so hard to live a conventional, responsible, life...to put down roots and act like an adult and it is like trying to put the ocean in a pint glass...I don't know why I am telling you this...you are probably sick of me, and sick of watching me chase my tail.

you know for as much as you think I am full of shit...you have no idea what effect you have on my sad little brain...in the months between when I last saw you and when Ms B and I ran into you, my head was pretty tranquil(as much as I can be)and my relationship good(not passionate,but comfortable)..since we ran into you, I just can't stop obsessing, and I have pulled away from Mr Gita...he doesn't excite me...he is stable,which I am trying to convince myself is a good thing, but you make me high.

I think his push for the house was a way to reign me back in.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.Even if I never see you again it doesn't change the fact I am REALLY unsure about this relationship and really unsure about this move.What do I do? Am I just a big fat commitment phob?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe our failed experiment is supposed to teach me some sort of lesson...either that right or wrong I have to be honest with myself or the opposite, that I need to be less passionate and more rational...

I don't know if it is a symptom of age or insecurity, but usually I just leave at the first sign of distress...I just don't know anything.except that i want your mouth and I cant have you.

sorry...I just young,crazy,and not to swift in the relationship department...-MG__________________________________________________

2 Comments:

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