So today is Nadia's birthday.And because I have been avoiding her since I arrived (drugs,hipsters,drama-oh my!)Her birthday has morphed into a dinner party and I am cooking.The powers that be (mutual friends) figured I'd hide away so they decided to throw the party at the place where I am staying at-so I couldn't get lost on the way. Sneaky,very sneaky!That is why men often find themselves putting rings on fingers or holding a loaded gun-and are not sure why. Women get together,plot and get in your head. It is just what we do.

I wish you were here. You could be my wing man for the party, though I guess technically you are a breast man-but you get it. You could be a forcefield against all the gaunt-faced hipsters and their "ironic" clothing.Or you could bring your brothers and let them guess whether or not they are philosophers, or well...your brothers.

Then afterwards we could slip out to a dive bar, have a few overpriced cocktails,and I would show you the city. I would show you how to tell time by where the fog sits on the Golden Gate Bridge:low at day break,weaving in and out of the top in the afternoon,and sliding back down to cover the city just after dusk.Or

Dear Dirty D,

So last night my friend bob dobolina and I had an impromptu southern fest in his tiny studio appartment. we had rumpleminze,ice-picks (sweet tea and vodka) and I downloaded Project Pat as well as other Southern hip-hop greats (;-he was mortified.

As a "feminist" (which I have never claimed to be), I should hate PP and any other rap that is of that ilk. "Slob on my Nob" put him over. He thinks I need to be deprogrammed.

I wish I could have the good of all the places I have visited, in one place. The only space where they practically co-exist is in my memories. Travel has filled me with plot lines and characters that I wish could cross pathes.

Right now,in my mind,you are sitting with Raffaella at a small gelateria in the Southern Calabrian beach town of Tropea. The sand is so white,and with the sun reflecting off it -the beach appears on fire. As the afternoon progresses, you trade gelato for aperitivi and the sun spills on the water and swallows the whole village...

wouldn't it be nice? If we could have what is in our hearts-that sweetness that the mind always seems to overpower or make trite? To have our friends and families (real or adopted) together-even if just for a day?

The more I travel, the more I love, the more fragments I am unable to reconcile.

I guess that is why they are "growing pains".

ps...If I could pick only one memory from Memphis to keep with me, it would probably be drunk dancing with you outside Lorenz's house. Mike Britton was there and it was "Throw Ya Hands up"...I don't have all the details,I can't remember what happened before or after, just that moment, mercury marquis door open, booty shaking in the street...that euphoric feeling of being new to memphis and being fearless. Betcha don't remember,huh?

mg

Dear You,

my mom told me I am profoundly depressed. which, considering she is a shrink-is depressing. This is such a weird time. I spent the last few months detached and unfeeling and now I can't stop feeling. We were talking about Disney last night at Sushi and I merely mentioned Dumbo and I started bawling. I haven't even seen it since I was 8.

watching someone you love destruct is profoundly depressing. Feeling trapped and inept will getcha too. I keep going over the last year in my mind and try to figure out what happend and why. How did I end up in such a dark place?

It seems that the qualities I love about myself and hate about myself are just variations on a theme. A sense of adventure and lust for life, a respect for individuality and attraction to eccentricity- could also be read as self-destructive, unstable,egocentric, prone to unhealthy relationships.

ack.

There are no real answers I guess. You just live and learn.

I will die a spinster..

I have officially lost all respect for men. I know women aren't much better-but I don't date women-so that is a conversation for another day. I talked to Terry last night and it is clear that not only do I not respect him anymore-he hasn't deserved me or my respect for a long while. Now, I know that he isn't all men, in fact, he isn't much of a man at all-but after 10 years of dating, I don't want to date anymore and I am losing faith in the idea of love that is more than platonic.

I have made many mistakes in love. I believe that I have let some good ones get away. I was too young or too stupid to see it at the time. I also don't consider that a mistake-you have to make your own way and sometimes that means losing something to gain something in the end.

Now that I am older and growing into myself-I have found that pickings are slim. I meet men that are my age and afraid of committment-or older men who are unevolved.

I thought if Terry and I split I would go out and date and meet people, enjoy the rush of freedom...I think about meeting someone, and I just feel pessimistic-like it doesn't matter because things will just be screwed up in the end.

I have felt so bad about myself. I tried so hard to make things work with Terry and he is just a waste. In his mind people need to line up like dominos and bend to fit him-but he talks about his personal philosophy being one of independence-and being who he is and not changing for anyone.

I don't think you should lose yourself in another person-but if you have negative qualities that prevents you from being happy with your partner and yourself-you work on it.

I have felt bad for putting on weight. I have been working on just getting healthy in general, for me-but it hurt to know that my partner had lost interest in me-especially when he has always been overweight and I saw the person under the blubber. He told me when I was thin that he had stopped being attracted to his ex when she put on weight-then I put on weight and guess what? I should have seen that as a red flag.

Any 40 year old man that hasn't been married is suspect. Something is lacking in your personal philosophy or your taste that prevents you from any real committment.

I told him he needed to stop blaming everyone else and everything else-piecemeal-for what is wrong with us and his life in general-he is the only constant and needs to be self-aware.He needs to get his shit together.

I know what is wrong with me. I know what I did wrong in this relationship-I will take that lesson and keep it close, so if I see the signs I will fix it or pull out of the situation.

but if you are in memphis, tell your thin friends in the bar business, that are between the ages of 24-28 that there is an old fat bar manager that will probably be auditioning for a new concubine in about 4 months.It took him 3 months from his fiancee to me-but I'm a little less forgettable (;.

I would rather be alone than cleaning up someone else's mess. Especially the emotional kind.

We are finally at an age where we are living examples of where we came from. Our parents victories as well as their mistakes, are so apparent in who we are...Unfortunately, it is much easier to see the mistakes. A friend whose father wasn't there due to his demons has taken on those demons as well.A friend whose mother had stormy relationships, is weathering a similar storm....it is sad. The majority of people I know are sad and lost-myself included.

I don't want to hang out with party people anymore. The party is no longer a party, it is a plague. I am not really that hipperest, I don't like bars or clubs...I don't like people that are transparent. If I can look at you and I can guess what songs are in your overpriced portable music device I am already bored. I like people who just are. I think in the last few years I got away from that. All I really need is a few close friends, books, music, stinky cheese and somewhere I can window shop for shoes-and my puppies-but they are being held captive by the evil warlock in the underworld of Memphis.

I miss me sometimes.

Sam and Bo=SamBo?


So...my family is quirky to say the least...always have been, but as they grow older-quirky is quickly becoming crazy. I came home for Father's day and surprised my dad who I haven't seen in three years, and haven't spent Father's day with for atleast 8. He came from work and found my mom and I just standing there, waiting for him to react and he started laughing saying I could have "called or sent a card" (he was joking). Then he introduced me to his birds Sam and Bo. He told me he bought the birds because he was sick of mourning dogs when they passed, he wants the pet to outlive him and be sad-for once.

The birds talk. Well,they mimic my dad-so basically the birds curse like sailors. One bird will make noise and the other will say " You're an Asshole" or "Shut the fuck up". The other "God damn it:" and it will go on. I was in tears laughing. My dad also was told by the employees at the credit union that he can no longer bring his birds in with him when he comes in to do banking transactions-so my dad is the crazy old guy with the talking bird at the bank.Yup, I share that DNA and can look forward to being nutty senior citizen-which pleases me to no end.

My parents also do that thing where they talk about each other to me when one is in the other room. Not mean, horrible insults-just crazy old people stuff. Like my mom quit smoking 12 years ago-but started up again 11 years ago. My father and I both know and have always known but say nothing to Mom because she likes having her little secret. When she went out on some mission-which was really just an opportunity to smoke-Dad had a rant about it that was comic gold.

I am definitely extending my stay.

So I had to tune in to the Italy v U.S...rooting for Italy because as Danimal so kindly pointed out "I am a traitor to my country"...That game embarassed me to no end. The Italians were playing like it was a casual partito out in a Calabrian bean field-UNTIL they got hit and then it was the most overly dramatic fall and knee grab one could possibly manage. I was on the phone with Italy during the game, aping them, while swallowing my pride on this side of the globe. Um...could they have picked greasier italians to play? It looked as if they dipped the whole team in crisco. Well, hopefully the next game will prove less horrifying. Unless the Ref in that game is taking pay-offs as well.

happiness...

So I am trying to enjoy the days and stay in at night-focus on more healthy living-after 4 years of shaving years off my life on Memphis...today I looped around Berkley-ate Mexican food for the first time in years...recharged my batteries. If i have learned anything it is that I am a California girl. I don't like limits. I don't like accepting that I am inflexible or unable to adapt-but just standing still today, while the city moved...I felt incredible. I saw people and I couldn't tell what race they were, and no one seemed to care. Not that there isn't racism here but it is like Californians are trying to fuck themselves grey-like a cultural pangea. when I went to the mexican place they carded me and my i.d. is from tennessee. The waiter was curious about that. He asked me, in his thick accent, what I was doing here. I said I was a Californian who had returned. He welcomed me back, and in his voice there was this judgement about the south, from him, a fresh off the boat immigrant-that made me laugh.

Also, I need to express my undying gratitude to the Danimal. Even though I met him while at 24, so the foundation of our relationship was built on lies, he has been there when no one else was, would, or could be. I consider him my closest friend and personal saviour. well, not my saviour because I am a jew and that doesn't jive. Even if he refers to himself in the universal "we". Last night we drank spiced rum and watched Family Guy. well, I did, he just got rip roaring drunk and made me laugh. Drunken Postulations are the best.

oh, and the Berkley Bowl is the best-olive bar, awesome cheeses, crusty bread and wine...I feel a picnic coming on.

Wow, I don't think I realized how miserable I was until I stepped off the plane yesterday. As I stood on the platform waiting for the train to take me to Berkley, I looked out over the bay and was all but moved to tears. It was around 7 pm, the fog was over the water and the sun was shining. The light from the sun reflected off the boat sails and the water-the sails were all the colors of the sun, and the water appeared to be metallic.Some of you know just what I mean... all the little technicolor shoebox houses circling the hills...I have missed it so much. They say you can't go home again. I disagree. I will never live the life I lived in College-but San Francisco is home. California is home and no other place I live will ever be. I arrived at BDs appartment and he was at work, but had left veggie sushi and green tea in the fridge, and downloaded my favorite shows to watch until he got here...a blissful first evening.

I don't give up on people very easily, but I need to accept my relationship is over and move on.

The value of a number
I was a chubby a teen,so I was hard wired early on to know the value of a number-not just any number-the one that tells you how much you are worth-your size.
today i bought pants in size I have not been in 10 years. An 11. In that last year or so I went from a 7 to an 11...if I were in Vegas, that may be a good thing-but I am in Grad school-I just got busy and ate when I could and went from working out 5 times a week to riding my bike to school 2 times a week.
and I think of the numbers.
I was working at a bar here in memphis where I had to dress as a naughty school girl-I starved myself into a 5 and then thought better of it and went to work at an Irish pub where girls were allowed to eat.So then I let myself be a 7.
But then I started grad school and guinness became guinn-ass.My boyfriend won't touch me...like I am an elephant or something.
In two days I leave for San Francisco. I was a size 11 when I moved to SF in 96...Though the boyfriend is the most important weight I need to shed-it would be nice to shave off a size or two.
Hopefully I will find some fun guy to help me work it off.

Jorge once called me a "jaded-optimist"and 10 years later, I look at my life and he couldn't have been more right...Love is a many faceted thing...and my relationship is without facets...See, as it stands, I am leaving for San Francisco so we can "take time" or "give each other space" or whatever p.c. bullshit people say when they have long since walked out the door but can't close it behind them atleast not while the other person is watching...These last few months have taken the Mistress to a dark place...Accepting the fact that my partner of almost four years is a complete and total drug addict-was hard, I made excuses. He is killing himself and I can nothing about it-except for leave him and save myself. He stay up for days, drug dealers are coming to our home at all hours and we no longer live in an appartment, we live in a nice area, in the suburbs-it can only be obvious to everyone. He blames me for everything that is wrong with our relationship-but is so numb and detached-I doubt he can even access any real feelings.I was giving him money for bills and the bills went unpaid-and he makes about 50k-money should not be an issue.I almost didn't move into this house-but he promised that once we left the downtown scene-things would change, and at first, they did. Then, between work and school, I just didn't have time to get out...but now, I just can't do it.

There is just a sadness about the whole thing. I have been in hiding since everything went sour. I have nothing to say to anyone. I have needed my friends more than ever-but I feel crippled. It is like there is a secret,an invisible plague in my home, it eats at the walls and the foundation...it covers my body in boils...it has been awful. I have lashed out. I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding-after 8 years, there is nothing left. There are all these fragments of my life, my relationship and I need to create something cohesive or I won't be able to go forward.

I am anxious and excited about what lies ahead...passion, sex, beauty, businessmen from mississippi-yummy...I love being single-but I always manage to get caught up in someone...

Some of you I will see very soon.

San Francisco here I come!!!!!! Hopefully, a few months in SF will get me out of this rut!

hmmmm....I feel something brewing...things are about to change for the Mistress, I can feel it.
Until then...go buy St.Elsewhere by Gnarls Barkly.