Little Green Faeries

Like someone pissing in your stream of consciousness

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I will die a spinster..

I have officially lost all respect for men. I know women aren't much better-but I don't date women-so that is a conversation for another day. I talked to Terry last night and it is clear that not only do I not respect him anymore-he hasn't deserved me or my respect for a long while. Now, I know that he isn't all men, in fact, he isn't much of a man at all-but after 10 years of dating, I don't want to date anymore and I am losing faith in the idea of love that is more than platonic.

I have made many mistakes in love. I believe that I have let some good ones get away. I was too young or too stupid to see it at the time. I also don't consider that a mistake-you have to make your own way and sometimes that means losing something to gain something in the end.

Now that I am older and growing into myself-I have found that pickings are slim. I meet men that are my age and afraid of committment-or older men who are unevolved.

I thought if Terry and I split I would go out and date and meet people, enjoy the rush of freedom...I think about meeting someone, and I just feel pessimistic-like it doesn't matter because things will just be screwed up in the end.

I have felt so bad about myself. I tried so hard to make things work with Terry and he is just a waste. In his mind people need to line up like dominos and bend to fit him-but he talks about his personal philosophy being one of independence-and being who he is and not changing for anyone.

I don't think you should lose yourself in another person-but if you have negative qualities that prevents you from being happy with your partner and yourself-you work on it.

I have felt bad for putting on weight. I have been working on just getting healthy in general, for me-but it hurt to know that my partner had lost interest in me-especially when he has always been overweight and I saw the person under the blubber. He told me when I was thin that he had stopped being attracted to his ex when she put on weight-then I put on weight and guess what? I should have seen that as a red flag.

Any 40 year old man that hasn't been married is suspect. Something is lacking in your personal philosophy or your taste that prevents you from any real committment.

I told him he needed to stop blaming everyone else and everything else-piecemeal-for what is wrong with us and his life in general-he is the only constant and needs to be self-aware.He needs to get his shit together.

I know what is wrong with me. I know what I did wrong in this relationship-I will take that lesson and keep it close, so if I see the signs I will fix it or pull out of the situation.

but if you are in memphis, tell your thin friends in the bar business, that are between the ages of 24-28 that there is an old fat bar manager that will probably be auditioning for a new concubine in about 4 months.It took him 3 months from his fiancee to me-but I'm a little less forgettable (;.

I would rather be alone than cleaning up someone else's mess. Especially the emotional kind.


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