Jorge once called me a "jaded-optimist"and 10 years later, I look at my life and he couldn't have been more right...Love is a many faceted thing...and my relationship is without facets...See, as it stands, I am leaving for San Francisco so we can "take time" or "give each other space" or whatever p.c. bullshit people say when they have long since walked out the door but can't close it behind them atleast not while the other person is watching...These last few months have taken the Mistress to a dark place...Accepting the fact that my partner of almost four years is a complete and total drug addict-was hard, I made excuses. He is killing himself and I can nothing about it-except for leave him and save myself. He stay up for days, drug dealers are coming to our home at all hours and we no longer live in an appartment, we live in a nice area, in the suburbs-it can only be obvious to everyone. He blames me for everything that is wrong with our relationship-but is so numb and detached-I doubt he can even access any real feelings.I was giving him money for bills and the bills went unpaid-and he makes about 50k-money should not be an issue.I almost didn't move into this house-but he promised that once we left the downtown scene-things would change, and at first, they did. Then, between work and school, I just didn't have time to get out...but now, I just can't do it.

There is just a sadness about the whole thing. I have been in hiding since everything went sour. I have nothing to say to anyone. I have needed my friends more than ever-but I feel crippled. It is like there is a secret,an invisible plague in my home, it eats at the walls and the foundation...it covers my body in boils...it has been awful. I have lashed out. I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding-after 8 years, there is nothing left. There are all these fragments of my life, my relationship and I need to create something cohesive or I won't be able to go forward.

I am anxious and excited about what lies ahead...passion, sex, beauty, businessmen from mississippi-yummy...I love being single-but I always manage to get caught up in someone...

Some of you I will see very soon.