So my puppy managed to defecate then fall in it. Which is funny-but equally as gross.I was trying to give him a preliminary wipe down on the way to the bath-but he was figeting and fighting the whole thing-until a decisive moment in our puppy-momma relationship.
As I am attempting to de-dingleberry his doggie dong he suddenly grows still and gives me this odd look. odd, but familiar. Like I had seen it before.
Then it hit me why.
There he was, covered in his own filth and he was still trying to get a handjob.
Now I know why dog is truly man's bestfriend-

In Vino,Vomitas
So I was talking with my good friend Wagonboulder today, in lieu of our friend MicroHylbert's pending nuptials.We hadn't spoken in some time and I was trying to ascertain exactly when it was...
Flashback 3 years...I am in Limbo between Guatemala and Memphis.I am in San Francisco saying good-byes and at times, good riddance. I decided to do an open mic and was drinking whisky...the Mad Poet was there and we read.So was Wagonboulder. The next thing I know we are all crammed into a dive bar in the Tenderloin, drinking sangria-which was fortified with brandy-which I didn't know until it came up, much.. much.. MUCH.. later.After the Sangria I was time travelling so I can't give you time frames...but there are flashes of the Redwood room at the Clift Hotel and 200 smacks a bottle of vino...Wagonbutter-the epicurean-insisted on good wine after the swill from the tenderloin...then the Mad Poet tried to take me home and Wagonbitter found me in the ladies room half passed out...then he put me in his BMW and I started to projectile vomit...so he put me in a room at the Clift to save his interior...

So, he spends about 1000 bucks on wine, room, and BMW detailing-and poof-I disappear into that good-night-until now.

let this be a cautionary tale.

1.For a 1000 bones Wagonboner should have had more than just wine-and less vomit.
2.You can dress me up but you can't take me ANYWHERE.
3. I will never be a high return on your investment.

tommy managed to take this picture himself...silly dog

after this picture was taken-tommyboy made himself a martini and then raided the medicine cabinet.

So I met a stranger on the train last night...and for the first time, in a long time, I was honest. Really honest. We talked about our lives, our reservations about the relationships we were in and the pathes that we were on. I liked him. It seems that whenever I resign to complacency I meet someone who shakes me to the core and then rattles my bones. How do you say bones in Poruguese?Maybe it was the tequila, tequila is always a suspect in my book, but I would be said if we weren't on the same train again. Maybe I need to sprain my ankle and go to Long Island Jewish Hospital.

This is Mr Arkansas-(ark-n-sass). He came along with Spanky to do some drinking. Little did I, Satan, know that he was a rookie in the booze department. See,that is my hand, holding a cocktail and putting it in his face..."Drink Dammit,this is a bar-not a convent". Then fear set in. He drank-but started falling asleep. Then Spanky and the White Russian started talking in some sort of code.Lots of references to water and falling and nature...so I'm getting the idea the whole crew is about to leave and give each other golden showers-or maybe shower Mr Arkansas-cuz he was the first to pass out. Ah...bar life...a blur of funny, money, and latent homosexuality.

tommyboy couldn't get enough of the snow-he was over the camera however. 

snow.brrr. 

the best dog ever.except when i am sleeping and he bangs me in the head with his water/food dish so i'll wake up and get him some vittels 

this is when i told tommy he was adopted 

lsd feels like this 

So I gave up a life here to end up in the urban nightmare that is memphis. oh the ignorance of youth ... 

I think this is my good side... 

hmmm...where do i start.... 

memphis can be pretty, like right now, while under snow. today i was walking from my corner market, past all the colonial style brick houses, blanketed in white. one family had made snow tigers, another hade a snowman with a basket of oranges and daddy's tie... a peaceful sunday indeed 

Let me preface this whole little anecdote as fiction (wink,wink) so as not to draw too much attention to myself by law enforcement or my employer...
Ahhhh...downtown memphis...it could be mars, it could be uranus...but if anything, I promise you, you will find more snow here than in aspen,colorado-and skiing here has a whole other definition.
flashback a month...I walk into a full ladies' room on a friday night. I had already enjoyed a few adult cocktails and was using the facilities before heading home.One of my bartenders was in the bathroom..drunk..but no suprises there...she's a bartender.And to her credit, off the clock.here's where the story turns .In front of god and a whole bathroom full of people(which can be a lot scarier than god on the weekends) she pulls out a bag of blow.(that's cocaine to those of you born after 1985).Now I am her boss, and she was a new hire...and we are in the building we work in...so that would make it bad move-but it gets worse.She asks me to SHOW HER HOW TO DO IT!!!!! First off, we had never even talked about drugs...and I'm not a skinny little thing-so I don't look the part-the only thing I could figure is that she was crazy, didn't know how to ease into the situation, and since I was her boss-she looked to me for direction.As her boss I am supposed to be there to show her how to make a drink-use the computer-etc.Needless to say-I just turn around and leave for home.
I am no saint...I have dabbled in the dark arts...I have enjoyed a rather hedonistic lifestyle...but that skank-I didn't trust her. Not even enough to take her drugs-and that is bad.
Flashforward to today. I change the schedule in such away that she will be fired. She comes in with her dialed turned to 11, as always, and while being fired trys to say I am the drug addict-and she is the dependable worker-which is laughable because she was obviously on something.Then she sits down at the bar-gets drunk-asks the bartender for drugs.
classy.
Since she is a paranoid junkie narc-I called my friends who work in restaurants and told them not to hire her-because you can't trust a junkie around money and liquor.
what a day.
Go Steelers!

hmmm...I don't know where to start. okay. here. Evangelical Christianity defies all reason...I know faith is separate from anything rational-but what I'm saying is evangelical christianity is separate from faith.
I mean...it makes no sense even in the context of the bible.The tenets of their beliefs are INSANE. Everything is centered around "The Rapture" or the end of the world. The actual term "rapture" wasn't even coined or conceptualized until the 19th century...and it was a GERMAN preacher who did it. Germans need to stick to making cars-not religious doctrine.They don't do so well with that...ask the jews.
also-many of them believe that after jesus comes and takes them to heaven-to live out eternity not having sex or listening to rock and roll-the anti-christ will control those left with computers. Um...have you watched Fox news, kids, have you seen the president on tv attempting to gain your faith in him on hate based agenda...check your notes on that.
One woman was interviewed as saying she won't let her children be microchipped because "it would take them away from god"...I think the real question here is :"who is trying to put microchips in your children?" and if you say your neighbours dog-then maybe your kids need to be taken from you.
oh and there is a site www.jesuspets.com where christians have found "heathen animal lovers" who will foster their pets after the rapture-cuz puppies don't go to heaven.If fat redneck clansmen go to heaven-so do little puppies. I can only imagine the heathen pet lovers being forward thinking liberalshaving a chuckle on jethro's behalf .I'll foster all the pets, if jesus would get his show on the road and snap up the ninnies. They keep voting and making my life hell.
the only thing i agree with is that they think Henry Kissinger may really be the anti-christ. okay-you got me.
You know they even have a movie series "left behind" that stars our beloved Kirk Cameron. Stars. Kirk Cameron. Those are two words that should never go together. I think he sold his soul to the devil for that deal.
Basically,theseare a bunch of people who never felt accepted or ever got over being fat in highschool-and they have created their own clique.
The problem is, the government manipulating them to further a completely un-christian agenda. Pushing for religion in schools and limiting the scope of the science taught in schools is keeping the dumb-ignorant. Knowledge is a tool, and these poor fucks are left without the proper amount of gray matter to make informed decisions. This wouldn't be a problem if their choices only affected the caves that they lived in-but unfortunately, my civil liberties are on the chopping block-which doesn't bade well with me.
even more alarming, is the psychology behind clinging to the most dark and violent parts of the bible.
go home, read the sermon on the mount, or the song of solomon. if you need a little violence-read judith and holofernes. there is so much love and peace in the good book-lighten up a bit folks.