Restriction...

So as many as of you know-I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Last time I reached the weight I am now, I began to restrict food and lost 60 lbs or about 30 chili.

It took me about a year to get back to to a more normal weight, and up until the last year or so, I kept about half of it off.

But I tried to build a more positive outlook and feed myself-even if it meant a little more cushion for the pushing...

well, I think I am done with that...

yesterday I caught myself restricting....

part of it is stress,part of it is about control...

things have been so unstable restriction gives me a way to focus. It is about eating a piece of bread and not eating a whole sandwich.I have the power to make that decision-versus being powerless in other areas. like everywhere else.seriously.

When I was at my worst I would carry fig bars with me, so when my blood sugar crashed I could eat the bars and get somewhere before I passed out.

On a average day I would eat
1 bagel with tofu
1 fig bar or apple
1 caffe latte
1 gelato

If I ate more than that I would go to the gym.

Then I went to Italy in 99-2000 and rediscovered food.

and once I went to Calabria-it was really over. Over Pasquedd I probably put on 10 lbs. When I got back to Firenze people kept saying "ti trovi bene in Italia" which is a polite Italian way of saying "girl you have been doing some eating". Capretto, fegato di maiale al forno,ricotta affumicata,mozzerella di bufala...latte di capra, fresca,riscaldata con miele e canella...mmmmmm....vino di casa....funghi porcini impanati....mmmmmmmmmmm....You can't be a lover of food and restrict in Italy...it is impossible...it would be like an alcoholic renting a room in a pub.Or Tidy moving next to a so-co factory (:

I am not writing this as some weird cry for help or anything. I know it is silly. I also think starving yourself on purpose is some twisted rich white girl problem. Like you have money-you can have all the food you want-but you starve to feel pretty. When there are people who starve without choice. It is selfish.

That said-even when I worked out everyday, didn't drink, and ate as healthy as a person could eat without going apeshit-I was always pressured to lose weight. I have always been curvier than my female counterparts-all the women in my family are.Russian women and thick.So basically I am cursed-plus I am getting on in years.

I don't know...it is just a constant source of frustration. blah.until then-some scenic shots of italy