Dear Mom,

I don't think I am capable of doing anything right.

recently I reconciled with Mr. Gita, because of the dogs
mostly,but also because holidays alone without friends
makes one feel bad about themself-and all our friends
are mutual ones.

the other night I stayed over and he would not kiss me
goodnight and tuck me in to bed,because he couldn't
leave his cocaine long enough to do so.For the last
year and a half it has been this way-I thought he was
just a drunk-but those times he drank he was mixing it
with blow.So, that explains all the financial woes we
were having.

One night, since I was back from SF, he was doing his
allnight computer poker thing. I moved the computer
and there was blow.

I bet he is doing between 600-1000 a week.

Which for the life of me,I don't get. I tried blow a
few times in highschool/college-I don't get what
people like. Once it made my face numb, another time
it made my nose burn and for maybe 10 minutes I felt
sorta speedy-but within the half-hour I wanted a
sandwich and a nap.I just don't get it.

I have tried just about every drug. There isn't one
that ever made me want to sacrifice ANYTHING.

Meanwhile I have been in a relationship with an
addict. I just don't get it.

That should have been enough for me never to go
back-but it wasn't. And now I don't trust myself to
make the right decision.

I went to meet Mr. Gita at his job so we could go back to the house. He
never showed up because he was still on a bender.

I lost my mind.I saw red. My closest friend and my
roommate work with Mr. Gita, in fact He is my
roommate's boss, I went and found them, and just
started ranting and bawling.

I am officially "that girl".

The girl in bad relationship.
The girl who is co-dependent
The girl who lost herself somewhere in the middle.

well, while I was pouring my heart out to my friends,
some of his management team overheard me saying that
No he didn't have car trouble he was on a bender.

So instead of being smart and strong and healthy and
ending this relationship in a clean way-I threw a
temper tantrum and insulted him until he did it.

So I am in Memphis.

Alone.

and there is no end in sight.

This was not who I was supposed to be.

I have always trusted me, even if no one else.

I have always thought of myself as smart and vibrant
and someone who would succeed.

Every decision I have made has been a bad one.

he was a bad decision
coming back here to save up money-didn't work out
coming to memphis-may turn out to be a good learning
experience if a survive it.

I made a little money this week. I paid rent and
bought new running pants( they were 8.99 so it's not
like I splurged). I think my focus in the next few
weeks is not going to be spending christmas alone but
fitness. I need something to get me out of bed BESIDES
work.Jogging.

Help.

I just don't understand how I got here.